the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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