This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
