you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
