My nipple is on Facebook.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
