I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
