I accidentally had phone sex last night
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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