i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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