Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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