a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
