I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
