barbara walters just said penis...
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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