Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
