You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
