Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
