can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
