Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize