There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
