This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
