I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
