Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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