The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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