We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
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