Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
