So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I am midnight drunk by noon
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
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of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Boobs speak an international language.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
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Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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