I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
