Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
