Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Just cropdusted the office
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
