Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
