I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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