Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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