I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
oh god was she eating orange peels again
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Randomize
