My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
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He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
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ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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