I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
