I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Randomize
