mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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