turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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