my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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