it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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