My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
zippers are such a cool invention
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
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