I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
