Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
i think i have herpe
just one?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
