If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
