so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
