im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
