Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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