I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
