Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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