i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
