my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
