He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
