When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
