Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
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