he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
