my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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