I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
