My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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