last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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